I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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