well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
