So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
people are starting to question the shark bite story
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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