shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
