I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
