Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Randomize
