Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dear god my vagina.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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