hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
