insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
