The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
