i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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