Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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