just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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