I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
