She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
