My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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