Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Randomize
