i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
