my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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