Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We smell like vodka and hangover
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
