so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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