Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well I just put wine in my tea
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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