How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
