a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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