Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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