the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
