I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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