And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
