I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
