So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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