Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
