Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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