She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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