Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
