"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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