wakey wakey hands off snakey
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize