So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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