dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
