He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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