Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
