I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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