I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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