After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
