your parents love me but you hate me
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
