thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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