I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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