dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
