i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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