I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
