How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize