so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
