A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
