My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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