Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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