we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
