I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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