Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We need to get me chipped asap
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize