Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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