JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
