sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
