Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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